Baby #2 Has left the Building

I hit 11 weeks yesterday.

Wednesday night was really scary for us - about 10pm I started losing A LOT of blood and tissue. I didn't really want to go to the ER, so I just went into my doctor's office at 7:30 the next morning. I didn't have an appointment, but I was such an emotional mess that they saw me right away. The baby is doing great - what had happened was the rest of baby #2 had come out. My doctor thought that the remains to the second baby would eventually get reabsorbed, but it didn't. So, I was extremely relieved, especially since thought I had miscarried baby #1 and was no longer pregnant. I got to see the baby on the ultrasound - it's much bigger than it was 3 weeks ago, and actually looks like a baby, not just a blob any more. It was very wiggly - kicking it's feet and waving it's little arms. I also think it was one of the first times in my life I've cried in relief. But, I was pretty much primed to cry at the drop of a hat - I was pretty much a mess for a good chunk of Thursday, because I didn't really sleep at all on Wednesday night.

I have a regular OB appointment on Monday. My doctor told me to try to stay out of trouble until then. I feel like I've been though a small war - I'm ready for a normal boring pregnancy to start.

3...2...1

Well, it's been a bit since the last posting, mostly because I haven't really felt up to it. I feel like a small war had been waging. So, let's see if we can get caught up.

I had an appointment to check on my space junk. It turned out there had been three little beans in there, but one had stopped growing very early on. But there were two babies in there, with two little heartbeats. I was overjoyed. B was a little shocked at first, but was pretty quickly on board. My doctor was a little concerned about baby #2 - it was a bit smaller, and the heartbeat was a little slower than they would like it. We had about two weeks of getting used to the idea of twins, and getting exciting about the ensuing chaos that two little babies would create. Over the weekend (this was about 3 weeks ago) I started feeling sick. Chills, backache, diarrhea, feeling cruddy. I didn't think much of it, because the same thing was going around at work. I was sick all weekend, and seemed better by Monday. Monday afternoon I started having bad cramps, and started spotting. I hadn't spotted AT ALL up to this point, and it freaked me out. I called my doctor's office - they told me to keep an eye on it. Later in the afternoon, I went to the bathroom, and a huge gush of blood came out. I called my doctor again - they told me to go to the ER if it got really bad, otherwise to come in first thing in the morning. I didn't see the point of going to the ER - they couldn't stop a miscarriage, and I would just spend the whole night there and pay them a crazy high co-pay.

The next morning, I was in my doctor's office for an ultrasound. Baby #1 was doing great, but baby #2 had died, probably over the weekend. The sac had seperated from the uterus, hence the blood. Baby #2 was still in there. My doctor said it would probably get reabsorbed over time. And then my super-awesome (but incredibly socially awkward) doctor gave me a hug, and held my hand while I cried.

Mainly I spent that week feeling a weird mix of being so sad that we lost #2, and grateful that we still had #1. It was scary because we thought that we might have lost both of them too. I also really didn't want to hear comments from people who were trying to be helpful (I'd had a few of them already), like about how it was for the best, or how much work two would have been, or how expensive it would have been. We didn't care. We saw both of them, saw their heartbeats, and wanted both of them. It wouldn't have mattered how much work, or expense, or time it would have generated. It would have been worth it, and so it made me just not want to talk to anyone about it, because I couldn't stand to have my heartache discounted. So, B and I are working on moving on, and treating Baby #1 as a gift, but I guess we are still really cautious.

Blob 1 and Space Junk

Last Wednesday, I started having pains in my right side. I wasn't too worried about it, as it was the same kind of pain I get from cysts. I called the nurse up to see what she thought. She wanted me to come in right away to make sure it wasn't ectopic. The concern with an ectopic pregnancy is that if the egg tries to implant in the fallopian tubes, once it grows too big it can blow out the tube, and you lose the tube in that side. Which, isn't a good thing. You could also bleed out and die. So it was fine for the nurse to want to act quickly. I just wish she had been....calmer.
On the drive there, I had to mentally tell myself that if it was ectopic, or failed, that I would be okay. That whatever happened was out of my control, and life would go on. I got there, and they did another (yay!) vaginal ultrasound. And the fallopian tubes looked good. The scanned my ovaries, and found (surprise!) a giant burst cyst. The cause of the pain. So, no harm, no foul. They looked at the uterus, and were able to find the little bean, attached to the side wall, it's heartbeat flickering off and on like an tired Christmas light. So, all is good there. The blob is where it is supposed to be, and is alive and well.

Then the tech started scanning (read: digging around with the wand) around, trying to get other views. She started getting very excited, and called the doctor in. They talked crazy doctor talk that I only vaguely understood. I asked what was going on. Well, it appeared there were a few....other things in the uterus. What kinds of things? Well, they could be a blighted ovum, another embryo that started to grow and then stopped, or sloughed off tissue. Or, it could be two other babies.
Gulp.
Up until this point, I had accepted that having twins was a real possibility, and we were okay with that. I really hadn't thought about triplets, probably because my RE told me it wasn't likely. I now interpret that statement to mean "a little likely". But, he assured me, that whatever is floating around in there is fine, and isn't going to hurt anything. He scheduled me for another ultrasound in a week so we could get a definite head count.

So, that ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm trying to not think about it. And for right now, I'm just referring to them as Blob 1 and space junk. So, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

*Blob one. Space junk not shown.

And the winner is....

So, it's taken me several weeks to post this, because I'm still getting used to the idea. But here it goes....


Guess what?

(what?)

I'm pregnant! (feels weird to say)

It was Friday, September 30th. I had taken the day off of work, to try to get yard stuff done before it starts freezing 'round these parts. It had been 16 days since my Ovidrel shot (the one that makes your eggs pop out), and 14 days since I was pretty sure I ovulated (because that day my insides felt like they were exploding). After B left for the day I did the obligatory pee-on-a-stick. I put it down on the edge of the tub, and didn't look at it for a while. After a few minutes I gave it a cursory glance, and was deploying my arm muscles to chuck it in the trash. I did a double-take - what the hell was that?


Two lines. My brain slowed WAAAAY down. I looked again. It wasn't a squinter. It was a dark pink line.


I called my RE's office, and asked what I should do.

Nurse: "You should stop taking the progesterone for three days, and if you don't get your period, you should come in for a test"

Me: "I really don't want to do that, as I have low progesterone to begin with. What if I am pregnant and miscarry?"

Nurse: "Have you ever had a miscarriage before?"


Me: "No, and I don't want to start"


Nurse: "Your positive home pregnancy test could just be leftover HCG in your system from the Ovidrel shot"

Me: "Yes, but that is supposed to leave your system ins 10-14 days, and it's been 16"


Nurse: "We like patients to wait 17 days"

Me: "I'm not comfortable going off the progesterone. It's not going to hurt me to stay on it. Can I just come in for a blood test?"

Nurse: "Your chart says you should go off the progesterone"

Me: "Like I said, I'm not COMFORTABLE doing that. Can you please talk to the doctor and see what he thinks?

Nurse: "He'll probably just say to do what your chart says"

Me: "Can you talk to him anyway?"

[continue this conversation for the next 10 minutes, the nurse gets more and more nasty, I get more and more insistent]

Finally, the nurse agrees to talk to the doctor, and says she will call me back.

[5 minutes later.....phone rings]

Nurse: [like the previous conversation never happened] "Dr. X says you should come in for a blood test, and that you should stay on the progesterone"

Sigh.

So, here we are. Preggers. [Blood test was also positive]. We're still getting used to the idea. Sometimes I hear women talk about how they loved their baby from the moment it was just a ball of cells. And we know we WILL love the baby, we're just withholding our outpouring of love for a bit. Because we already know what heartbreak feels like. So we're being cautiously optimistic.

Pass the Love, Hold the Helpful Suggestions

Dear Friends, Family, and people I only marginally know,

Thanks for your interest in my fertility! I know you are all trying to be supportive, and helpful to me in this stressful time of my life. Can I ask a favor though? I don't want any suggestions from you. I don't want stories about people you know, I don't want you to ask if I've tried the newest fertility treatment of eating raw earthworms.

"Did you hear cousin Suzy got pregnant from doing IUI? And cousin Betsy did in-vitro and now has two little boys! Why don't you try that?"

"Have you tried Metformin? I hear it's a miracle drug! My neighbors daughters friends dog-walker said nothing worked until she went on it"

"Have you seen a naturopath? What about acupuncture? Guided meditation?"

"Wait, what's wrong with you again? Why can't you have a baby?"

"What do you mean you aren't going to do IVF - don't you want to exhaust all your options?"

"You're trying too hard. Just relax! Pretend like you DON'T want to get pregnant - that works for a lot of people!"

"Don't worry, you can still adopt! There are lots of kids that need homes!"

Family and friends, you should know that there is not a treatment out there I haven't researched, no book I haven't read, no blog I haven't followed, no infertile women I haven't hounded for information. I know all the treatments, alternative therapies, drugs, and procedures. You don't need to tell me about any of them.

I really don't care what other people did to achieve a baby. I'm not them.

I know more about the male and female reproductive systems than I ever thought possible. I just don't always feel like explaining the inner workings of my lady parts to you. If you're really curious, get a book. I have a stack by my bed. No, you can't borrow them. I need them.

I have a plan of treatment. My doctor has earned my trust, and he and I are going down the road we have chosen - the road that is right for me. I'm not going to exhaust all the medical options. I'm not a lab rat, and I don't have an endless supply of money. We are pursuing a course of treatment that my husband and I feel comfortable with. Please trust us about that.

I really don't feel like explaining WHY I'm not doing acupuncture, taking Chinese herbs, or snorting Vitex Root up my nose. Please don't ask my to justify why I'm doing what I'm doing, and why I'm not going down other paths.

No, I'm not trying to hard. I'm trying the amount that I'm comfortable with. Relaxing doesn't actually affect my fertility. My endocrine disorder affects my fertility.

Adoption is on the horizon. But we're not there yet. We can't simutaneously put all of our effort into fertility treatments AND researching adoption. We'll do one until we reach the end of the line, then we'll explore the other. We actually don't even want to think about adoption right now. So please, leave the adoption issue alone.

So, what's a well-meaning friend of my aunts florist to do? Send me your well-wishes and prayers. Hope that I find peace with whatever unfolds. Send good thoughts that my marriage stays strong throughout this process. Ask me how I'm doing, tell me you'll support me no matter what I choose. And when the thought of, "Have you tried...." pops into your head, stifle it by giving me a hug.

The Two-Week Wait

Subfertility is an endless cycle of hope and heartbreak. Right now, I'm on the upswing of hope. This month my bloody cysts shrank down and stopped producing estrogen, and I got the green light to start the fertility drugs (technical term: gonadotropin therapy). This included jabbing a needle into my belly every day, and then going in to get an ultrasound every other day or so, to see how my eggs were growing, and to take a blood sample to measure my estriodiol levels (E2, as the cool kids call it). I've heard some women respond to the first round of the treatment in as little as 5 days, but no, I took 13 days. By the end, I was so bloated and uncomfortable I couldn't even bend over ,and even sitting was difficult. I began to see the benefit of having an IUI - sex just didn't sound appealing. Towards the end, the ultrasound technician would really have to jam the wand against my ovaries, causing all kinds of discomfort. If I haven't told you before, this isn't the nice kind of ultrasound where they rub jelly on your belly and move the sensor around. This is a trans-vaginal ultrasound, where they stick a giant sex-toy looking thing up your hoo-ha and look at your insides.

But, after 13 days, they declared me gravid, and told me to take the trigger shot. The trigger shot is basically HCG (the pregnancy hormone) - it's supposed to kick the little eggs of of the ovaries. I took the shot on Wednesday night, and we got busy Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night (yeah, we were pretty tired of it by Friday night). Then, Saturday morning I started on progesterone suppositories, to keep any embryos that might be forming from falling out. And now....I wait. I wait and wait and wait. I'm supposed to test this Friday or Saturday. Actually, what the nurse said was, "stop taking the progesterone on Saturday, and if you don't get your period, come in for a blood test". Because I'm paranoid about my chronically low progesterone levels, I'd rather not do that, so I'll take a home test on Friday. And probably Saturday and Sunday. The only thing that is keeping me from testing every day is that the trigger shot has the same hormone as the one the pregnancy test looks for, and that shot can take up to 2 weeks to leave the body. So, testing early might give me a false positive, which I'm just not up for.

The annoying thing about the progesterone suppositories is that they mimic pregnancy symptoms - cramps, bloating, exhaustion, sore breasts, and nausea. So, we'll see. Three days until I can test. I hope my fingers don't develop gangrene from being crossed for this long.

PreConception You vs Subfertility You

What a difference a year (actually, 13 months) makes!

13 months of trying to make a baby. You've changed so much in this year, and I'm not sure if it's for the better. Let's take a look back at the happy carefree Preconception You, and the slightly jaded and still not pregnant Subfertility You.

Preconception You LOVES to talk about getting pregnant. Good people to pump for information are hair stylists, as they are cutting your hair. You shyly tell them that you are planning on starting a family soon too. They tell you all about their 5 kids, and wish you luck on your impending conception.
Subfertility You doesn't go to that stylist anymore.

Preconception You blows her nose, and throws away the tissue
Subfertility You examines the contents, and wishes your cervical mucus looked so good. Subfertility you is also obsessed with pretty much anything that shows up on toilet paper; always on the lookout for good cervical fluid or the elusive implantation spotting.

You go for a run on the trails by your office. The secretary warns you not to go, as there is likely a rapist behind every tree.
Preconception You blows off her warnings, because she is an alarmist and a conspiracy nut.
Subfertility You thinks, "A rapist? Do you think his sperm is any good?"

Preconception You loves to coo over other people's babies. You love to hold them, cuddle them, and ask their mothers all sorts of questions about conception, labor, delivery, appropriate times to introduce the bottle, maternity leave, and their opinions on pacificers.
Subfertility You doesn't want to talk to anyone about their baby. Because, it will lead the the question of, "are you going to have one?", and you like to avoid that conversation now. You don't even like to hold people's babies now. Probably, because you know you are likely to steal the baby, and you need to practice a measure of restraint.

Preconception You has a bunch of baby-planning books that other people have given you, as well as baby toys and clothes. They say, "just tuck this away for someday".
Subfertility You has only read the first chapter of each of these books (the one about pre-conception and conception). It's too depressing (or it feels like you might jinx yourself) if you read any further. The Baby Naming Book is under the wobbly leg of the table. All the baby toys and clothes are now molding in the basement, far out of sight. Sometimes you even give them to other people, as they have their babies, or second or third babies.

Preconception You thinks it would be fun to have an "oops" baby, preferably in the summer, when your work load at your job is the lowest. Subfertility You will take any kind of baby she can get, at any time.

Preconception You assumes your husband masterbates from time to time, but doesn't want to know about it. Preconception You also has no interest in sperm, other than the fact it is messy. Subfertility You is obsessed with sperm numbers: motility, morphology, volume, live sperm per volume, fragmentation, healthy tails. You also demand that your loved one jerk off into a cup while you wait with the car running, so you can transport it (in your armpit) to the clinic within an hour of emergence to be analyzed.

Preconception You likes to say, "oh, I'm so against using drugs for anything. I'm an all-natural kind of girl." Subfertility You will swallow, inject, or shove up your hooha any drug your Reproductive Endocrinology tells you too. You'd even inject it into your eyeball, if the RE told you it might help.

Preconception You drinks because there is no baby.
Subfertility You drinks because there is no baby.
(hey! I guess not everything changes!)

X will make you fertile! Y will make you infertile!

If you start hanging around fertility boards, you get a lot of advice on what enhances fertility, and what hampers it. You get some good suggestions, such as:

Losing weight will help your fertility!
Okay. I buy that.

Going off birth control will make you fertile!
Yeah. That makes sense.

Having sex will help make a baby! If you don't have sex, it's harder to get pregnant!
Got it. Sex = baby.

If you don't have sex during your fertile period, you won't get pregnant!
Right. No egg = unemployed sperm.

Then you get into the realm of "alternate therapies"

Acupuncture will make you more fertile!
I don't know about this one, but it's been around for a while, and a lot of people put stock in it. I'm not going to discount it.

Sugar will make you infertile!
I guess I can kind of see that, if you have PCOS and blood sugar issues, then cutting out sugar will stabilize your blood sugar levels, disrupting the negative feedback loop between insulin and low hormone levels....okay....

Use Instead Softcups! They'll hold the sperm up near your cervix - it will have no where else to go but into your egg.
Maybe if you plan on doing Jazzercize right after you have sex...

And then you get into the sphere of Crazyland. And granted, I fully understand why people want to visit Crazyland. It's lovely this time of year. And in Crazyland, the following things make you fertile:

Fertility stones, fertility candles, yams, sleeping with the lights on, crazy nasty herbs , soy, maca root, baby aspirin, chiropractors, vitamin B6, Red Raspberry Leaf tea, green tea, tea tree, lavender, dextoxing, oil pulling (swishing oil in your mouth), Chaste berry tea, yoga, meditation, robitussin, royal jelly, uterine massage, lunaception, Fertibella, Tulsi tea, iodine, melatonin

And the following things make you infertile:
Coffee, Tea, alcohol, high heels, hot tubs, peas, soy (ha! it's on both lists), stress, dairy, gluten, too much sex, not enough sex, low iron, antihistamines, microwaves, cell phones, radios, air pollution, NSAIDs (IBproufin)

To simplify things, I've made my own list of what helps fertility:

Being fertile

You're welcome.

THE PRECONCEPTION CHECKLIST (and why it's a terrible idea)

Thinking about having a baby? How exciting! All the books, websites, and well-meaning people give you a list of things to do before you get down and dirty. I wanted to go through some of these, and give my feedback on them.

1. Go see your doctor for a preconception exam!
I'm not sure what OTHER people's doctors do, but my doctor did exactly squat. No tests, no pelvic exam, no blood work, no ultrasounds. I practically had to force my history on her, she didn't seem to care. When I told her my concerns about going off birth control, she told me, "just try to get pregnant right away". As irritating as this is, I think that most doctors would probably say something like that, and tell you to come back in 6 months or a year if things aren't going so well. So, save your money, start trying to make a little bean right away, keep a calendar, and go in after 6 months

2. Start taking prenatal vitamins 3 months before you want to start trying to conceive.
Sounds like a good idea, no? Let me tell you something about prenatal vitamins. They constipate you like a motherf***er. At least they did to me. I asked a nurse about it, and she said, "no, prenatals don't do that. Progesterone from pregnancy does that". Since I wasn't pregnant (and still am not), I'm pretty sure it was the iron. After 2 weeks on the prenatals and eating a bag of prunes a day (no, really), I decided that I couldn't actually go without pooping for a year. So, I'm on regular ol' multi-vitamins. Sometimes when I remember, I take extra Calcium and B-complex.

3. Go see the dentist
Well, you should go see the dentist anyway. But for the love of god, don't tell them you're trying to get pregnant. Because they'll make a little note in your chart, and then they'll ask you every 6 months if you're pregnant. And eventually, you'll want to either find a new dentist, or just let your teeth rot out.

4. Stop smoking, drinking, and having caffeine.
When you first start TTC, you cut way back on alcohol and coffee, and everyone assumes you must be pregnant. A year later, when you look the same, they just assume you're weird. There's some folks out there that think alcohol and coffee will make you infertile. But it won't. Infertility makes you infertile. So I still drink the coffee, and the whiskey, and sometimes whiskey in my coffee. I try to knock it off during the two week wait, but honestly, even if I were pregnant during that time, we don't share blood supply yet. Cutting out coffee and beer doesn't help your chances of conception, it just makes you sad. And smoking? I don't think anyone should smoke, regardless of whether they are TTC or not.

5. Review your medications with your doctor.
I've been on prozac for a long time, because it makes me a nicer person to be around. For the past 5 years or so, everytime I saw a doctor, I would ask them, "should I go off prozac while pregnant?" And I've gotten about 5 years worth of very different answers. I did try to go off prozac, but you know what? Subfertility is very stressful. And I honestly don't know if I can make it though the process without my happy pills. So, I'm staying on them.

6. Get your finances in order.
You know the great thing about subfertility? It gives you lots of time to get your finances in order! It will also suck them dry, if you let it. We've decided the only thing we are willing to do that ISN'T covered by the insurance is IUI. We waited until we were settled to try to start a family - we're not going to now blow it all on non-covered procedures that may or may not work. And honestly, how many young fertile women have their finances in order before they get knocked up?

7. Take a trip together!
Yes, you should do that. But don't expect to come back pregnant. But, on the plus side, you'll be able to take lots of baby-free trips, because you aren't pregnant yet!

8. Reduce stress in your life.
You know what's really stressful? Trying for a long time to have a baby, and then not having a baby. Charting your temperature, analyzing your cervical mucus, breaking down in tears when your period comes, having lots of crazy invasive tests to try to figure out what's wrong with you, shooting yourself up with drugs, crying when your period comes, getting more and more irritated with with people's stupid questions, your friends going to to have their second and third baby, did I mention crying when your period comes...?

So there you have it, the pre-conception check-list debunked. Really, don't do any of it. You'll already be giving up any sense of decorum and decency, as you discuss your estridiol levels with strangers in the line behind you in Starbucks. Don't give up the Starbucks too. And put a little Jim Beam in that coffee. It will lessen the sting of that negative pregnancy test.

Everyone Knows a Miracle Baby

If people know you are trying to have a baby, or if they just *assume* you're trying to have a baby (since you've been married for 8 years and have no offspring), they feel the need to give you all sorts of reassuring stories. Like, "Maybe you are trying too hard. I know a couple that tried for a long time, and then they got drunk one night and got pregnant". Sadly, all my nights of heavy drinking have resulted in no babies.

Maybe you explain to them that no, it's not that we're trying too hard, I actually have an endocrine problem that makes it hard for me to get pregnant. And then they (of course) know someone who tried for YEARS to have a baby, spent $30k on in vitro fertilization, donor eggs, donor sperm, donor uterus, donor storks, and got nothing. So they gave up, prepared to live out their lives in childless loneliness. And then lo and behold! They had a miracle baby! It's amazing that everyone seems to have one of these stories.

A friend of mine (who really did have a miracle baby - I told you everyone has a story like that), told me that there are probably a limited number of miracle babies in the world, but most people know them. Like the 6 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. 3 degrees of separation from someone's miracle baby.

But what about the other stories? The couple that tried for years, spent their life savings, and then got rejected from the adoption process because they were too old at that point? I'm pretty sure everyone knows LOTS of people like that. I just haven't decided if it's a kindness or not that people don't share THOSE stories with me.

The TTC vernacular

Once you enter the crazy on-line world of networking with other women who are trying to have a baby, you realize that there is a crazy language unique to this population. For instance, if you write in an on-line forum:

"I O'd on cd 18, never got a + opk, but went by cm and bd'd w/ my dh. Now I'm in the 2ww, can't wait to poas - hoping for a BFP!"

You could translate that to,

"I ovulated on calendar day 18 of my cycle, despite not having it confirmed with a positive on an ovulation predictor kit. However, my cervical mucus gave an indication I was fertile, so I engaged in intercourse with my husband. Now I am patiently waiting 2 weeks until I can take a home pregnancy test. I do hope it is positive, indicating that I am with child"

Ugh. Then when you get into the infertility forums (not just the annoying forums where people post their fertility charts, and get pregnant after trying for all of two months), then the jargon gets even weirder.

For instance:

"DH's SA came back normal, waiting for AF to show so we can start the follistim and ovidril for starting art, pre RE. Going in for baseline US on cd3. My HSG looks good, but so far only bfns for us. After this month's IUI I'll start progest supp at 3dpo"

Which would mean,

"My husband had a semen analysis test done, which came back normal, so we are waiting for my menstrual flow to begin, so we will be at the beginning of another cycle. Then we will be able to start injectible fertility drugs, in conjunction with assisted reproductive technology, under the guidance of our reproductive endocrinologist. I will then go in for a baseline ultrasound on day three of my cycle. I had a hysterosalpingogram (injection of dye into the uterus and fallopian tubes) which showed my fallopian tubes were open, but so far we have only gotten negative results on our home pregnancy tests. After our intrauterine insemination, I will then begin progesterone suppositories starting at 3 days post ovulation."

And you thought teenagers with their tech-speak was irritating!

Mark Zuckerberg has an algorithm designed to make you crazy, OR, yes, everyone on Facebook is having babies

Even though you don't discuss your Trying to Conceive plans on Facebook, Facebook still seems to know about your secret searches to "babyhopes" "takingchargeofyourfertility" and "fertilethoughts" websites. And Facebook not only populated your sidebar ads with things like "Get a job being an ultrasound technician!" and "Great coupons here for for moms", facebook also seems to have people pop up in your newsfeed if they have any kind of baby announcements. These people never show up in your newsfeed otherwise, but there must be some algorithm deep in your facebook profile, that assumes you always want to see pictures of other people's babies. Here are a few classic examples from the past few weeks:

-Your husband's cousin has created a facebook page for her 6-month old. Facebook suggests you might want to be the baby's friend.

-That kid you knew from high school who you could have sworn was gay? Just had a baby (yes, I know, he still could be gay). And he posts something like, "I thought I knew what joy was the day I married my beautiful wife. Now that my son is here, I feel my life is just beginning" (barf. You would NEVER put something so maudlin.)

-Your friend from elementary school, who's only been married a little over a year? Yup - she just had her baby. Her belly shots and ultrasound photos have been popping up in your newsfeed for about 7 months. Despite your best efforts to block them, they STILL keep popping up as other friends comment on her status ("OMG! You are the cutest pregnant woman ever!").

-Your good friend who you considered a soul-mate in the subfertility journey because it took her so long to get pregnant the first time? Well, she had secondary-super-fertility, and is knocked up again. You give the obligatory congrats on her wall, but so to 10 thousand other people, which means that you are always alerted to everyone elses comments.

-Your friend of a friend, who already has 2 little boys, just had to try for a little girl, and she's getting one! I wish ordering a baby was so easy for everyone!

-Your friend doesn't have a FB account, so you wish him a happy birthday on wife's page - only to discover she is days away from delivering a baby! Now she's going to pop up in your feed because you visited her page. Damnit!

Mark, can't you invent an app to block anyone elses's baby news? I only want to hear about rock climbing and food from people's updates. And can't you differentiate between google searches that pregnant women use ("tummy or prone sleep?" "Do plastic diapers cause rashes?" "When is too early to sign up for pre-school") from the google searches us sub-fertile women make? ("How much does IUI cost?" "Will the HSG hurt?" "Will Reclipsen thicken my uterine lining?" "When is sperm count too low?") This app would help you target my sidebar ads to things like "Fertilaid Vitamins" and "tampons" and "Discounted Liquor" - you know, things I really need.

*UPDATE*
Apparently, Facebook just came out with an option of "I'm expecting" button in your profile. Thanks Mark.

Reminders...

"Oh - you're having a baby shower? Yes, I'd love to come. Um...sounds great."

All About Sperm

Remember back in junior high health class, when you learned all about sperm? Sperm was magical, as well as diabolical. Sperm could live for days on a toilet seat. Sperm could swim though 6 layers of clothing and impregnate you. It only takes one single sperm (ONE!) to get you pregnant. And sperm could be deposited on your clothes, and a week later, find its way inside you and burrow inside your egg. Ah, the good old days, when sperm could not be defeated. And for most of my adult life, I adhered to this guidance. Any loose sperm was a cause for alarm, much like a biohazard spill.

After a year + of subfertility, you learn a few truths about sperm:

-Sperm doesn't like things too warm

-Sperm doesn't like things too cold

-Sperm doesn't like coffee, alcohol, tobacco, or soy

-Sperm doesn't like hot tubs, hot showers, saunas, restrictive underwear, bike shorts, biking, synthetic fabrics, laptops, or scalding hot liquids

-Sperm doesn't like to be in the testicles for longer than 7 days

-Sperm doesn't like having to regenerate every day

-Sperm doesn't like it when you get old, or overweight, or stressed out

-Sperm doesn't like lube, saliva, petroleum jelly, baby oil, or any cervical fluid other than "eggwhite"

-Sperm doesn't like to be kept waiting in a cup for over an hour

-Although it only takes "one good sperm", having a sperm count of 1 will never get anyone pregnant

Set Backs

Today was...well, today was crap. There's really no other way to describe it. The day started with a 10am ovary check, after my second round of clomid. It was supposed to clear the way for me to start a round of injectable fertility drugs. It's the 3rd day of my cycle, so I also got to have a pelvic exam while on my period. Which, probably didn't bother the doctor, but really grossed me out. The doctor didn't like the look of my right ovary. It seems that the combination of the PCOS and the clomid turned my ovary into a misshapen mass of cysts. Bloody ones. He sent me down to the lab for an estrogen panel, and told me to show back up at 3:30 for a shot training class. While getting my blood drawn, the lab tech felt the need to not let the alcohol swab dry before stabbing with me a needle. And, despite my great veins, she also dug around a bit with the needle, making a bunch of ugly red marks on my arm. I was also told by my doctor to get a sample cup for a semen analysis for my husband. Which, first of all, involves asking my husband to provide a semen analysis. Then I had to get him entered into the computer, set up a lab drop off time for him (even though I couldn't tell them a date), and having another lab tech tell me that my husband needed to have abstained from ejaculation for 3-7 days. I asked if longer than 7 days was okay, and he said no. And now he also knows that we don't have sex that often. Sigh.

3:30 comes around, and I'm in a class with a bunch of other subfertile women. The nurse practitioner tells us all about how to give ourselves shots, how to store the shots, when to give them, and what the schedule is like for the month. Apparently, they have everyone on the same schedule, so they can treat a bunch of people at the same time. Kind of like inseminating cattle. At some point, the NP looks at my chart. "We need to call the doctor before we give you the first shot today". She calls him. He tells her that I need to wait a month or so, to let my ovaries calm down. She tells me this information, and says I need to go on birth control. WHAT? Apparently, this is what you do to let the cysts go down. At this point, they don't know when they are starting the August cycle of injections. So, I'm supposed to start taking the birth control, and call in a week or so when the hopefully have their schedule. However, B is taking a climbing trip in September, and he's been planning it for a year. So, if it conflicts, I have to stay on the Pill for two months, before starting the next round of treatment.

For some reason, this totally undoes me. I start crying uncontrollably in front of the NP, and the other subfertiles. The other subfertiles have their partners with them, and I'm all alone. Not that I need B to be there - he has a job. But it still makes me feel stupid. The NP gives me some line about infertility being hard. Then, to add insult to injury, she tells me I should still practice giving myself a shot, otherwise I'll have to come back and do this stupid seminar in a month. So, I jab an empty needle into my belly, and pretend to inject myself with hormones.

On the way out of the clinic, I stop at the pharmacy to pick up two months of birth control pills. The pharmicist sees that I am also on a bunch of fertility drugs, and questions why I would do such a thing. So I wind up explaining my subfertility, previous clomid cycles, and ovarian cysts to her. Which is exactly what I wanted to do.

At this point I go in the bathroom and sob for about 10 minutes. Then I go to meet B, as he has a work picnic. I'm pretty sure they'll all be asking him tomorrow why his wife is so morose.

Why Aren't You Pregnant?

After about 8 years of marriage, people start looking a little askance at your lack of offspring. They wonder if maybe you don't like kids, or maybe you're just too selfish and immature to have them. In our case, we were on the 5-year no baby plan. The five year plan stretched into a 7 year plan, with us both in grad school and having absolutely no money. We wanted to be stable, and not crazy busy and stressed. So, here we are, 33 and 40 years old, both with careers. The perfect time to have a kid. Except it didn't work out that way. I had a feeling something wasn't going to work right. I had had crazy cycles ever since I was a teenager. Weight gain, acne, no period for 4 months, then getting my period of 6 weeks straight. Then when I was 18, I started getting horrible pelvic pain. I was diagnosed as having ovarian cysts. The easiest thing for doctors to do was to put me on birth control. I know some women don't like to be on hormonal birth control, but for me, it was a magic drug. My cycles were normal. My weight was stable. My skin looked great. Once, in my 20's, I went off the pill for a few years. And all that crap came back. Weight gain, bad skin, pelvic pain, and crazy periods. Around this time, I got married, so I went back on the pill. Once again, the universe was in harmony.

Fast forward 7 years. We were finally in a place where it made sense to have a kid. We had careers, a house, some money in savings, we hadn't killed any of our pets yet. We were ready. I scheduled a pre-conception appointment with a doctor, like all the books say you are supposed to. Well, I'm not sure what I paid for, but there were no tests, no exam, no blood work. I told the doctor my concerns about going off birth control. She told me, "There's nothing you can do about that. Just try to get pregnant right away". So we tried. And....nothing.

Six months later, I was in for an annual exam (different doctor). She referred me to get an ultrasound, just to make sure I didn't have any fibroids, car keys, or alien babies in my uterus. During the ultrasound, the radiologist mentioned I had ovarian cysts. In my head, I responded, "No sh**, tell me something I didn't know. I've been dealing with that since I was 18". And then he pointed out on the screen (for the nurse's benefit, not actually mine), "Look at that. Classic string of pearls". I had no idea what he was talking about. Exam was over, I left.

About a week later, the nurse from the doctor who referred me for the ultrasound called. She said, "Because of your Polycystic Ovarian Disease and your Ovarian Dysfunction, we're referring you to a fertility specialist". My WHAT? Those were the first time I had ever heard those words. It's on my to-do list to write that doctor a note, and let her know she needs to find better ways to tell unplesant news to her patients.

Fortunatly, the doctor I got sent to (an RE) is great. He did lots of tests, and confirmed, yes, I do have PCOS. We formulated a strategy for getting preggo, and how to deal with a lifetime of PCOS.

If you've never heard of PCOS, just google it. Now imagine someone tell you that you have this syndrome. And it will scare the hell out of you. Apparently, one thing you can do to improve things, is to cut out sugar and refined grains. So, I've been doing that since late April. The first few months were hard, but it's gotten better since then. But it's going to be a battle. And it's never going to go away.

Introduction

So it's come to this. An infertility blog. Or as I like to call it, "subfertility". Infertility has such finality to it. I never thought I'd be in this demographic - women who have difficulty having children. I think every woman who plans on getting pregnant (and not everyone plans), has a tiny voice in her head that says "maybe I can't get pregnant". And for most women, that voice is wrong. But for me, that voice was dead on. So, I figured the best way to wrestle with all these emotions is to write about them. I could have just typed them all up, and put them on my computer and no one would ever see them. But the truth is, I scour the internet looking for other women's stories - what they went though, did they have any success, what worked, what didn't work, etc. So, I'm hoping maybe this blog might help someone else out too.

If you're wondering about the title of the blog, it's from The Beatles "Hey Jude". Because subfertility is a sad song. And I'm trying to make it better.