3...2...1

Well, it's been a bit since the last posting, mostly because I haven't really felt up to it. I feel like a small war had been waging. So, let's see if we can get caught up.

I had an appointment to check on my space junk. It turned out there had been three little beans in there, but one had stopped growing very early on. But there were two babies in there, with two little heartbeats. I was overjoyed. B was a little shocked at first, but was pretty quickly on board. My doctor was a little concerned about baby #2 - it was a bit smaller, and the heartbeat was a little slower than they would like it. We had about two weeks of getting used to the idea of twins, and getting exciting about the ensuing chaos that two little babies would create. Over the weekend (this was about 3 weeks ago) I started feeling sick. Chills, backache, diarrhea, feeling cruddy. I didn't think much of it, because the same thing was going around at work. I was sick all weekend, and seemed better by Monday. Monday afternoon I started having bad cramps, and started spotting. I hadn't spotted AT ALL up to this point, and it freaked me out. I called my doctor's office - they told me to keep an eye on it. Later in the afternoon, I went to the bathroom, and a huge gush of blood came out. I called my doctor again - they told me to go to the ER if it got really bad, otherwise to come in first thing in the morning. I didn't see the point of going to the ER - they couldn't stop a miscarriage, and I would just spend the whole night there and pay them a crazy high co-pay.

The next morning, I was in my doctor's office for an ultrasound. Baby #1 was doing great, but baby #2 had died, probably over the weekend. The sac had seperated from the uterus, hence the blood. Baby #2 was still in there. My doctor said it would probably get reabsorbed over time. And then my super-awesome (but incredibly socially awkward) doctor gave me a hug, and held my hand while I cried.

Mainly I spent that week feeling a weird mix of being so sad that we lost #2, and grateful that we still had #1. It was scary because we thought that we might have lost both of them too. I also really didn't want to hear comments from people who were trying to be helpful (I'd had a few of them already), like about how it was for the best, or how much work two would have been, or how expensive it would have been. We didn't care. We saw both of them, saw their heartbeats, and wanted both of them. It wouldn't have mattered how much work, or expense, or time it would have generated. It would have been worth it, and so it made me just not want to talk to anyone about it, because I couldn't stand to have my heartache discounted. So, B and I are working on moving on, and treating Baby #1 as a gift, but I guess we are still really cautious.

Blob 1 and Space Junk

Last Wednesday, I started having pains in my right side. I wasn't too worried about it, as it was the same kind of pain I get from cysts. I called the nurse up to see what she thought. She wanted me to come in right away to make sure it wasn't ectopic. The concern with an ectopic pregnancy is that if the egg tries to implant in the fallopian tubes, once it grows too big it can blow out the tube, and you lose the tube in that side. Which, isn't a good thing. You could also bleed out and die. So it was fine for the nurse to want to act quickly. I just wish she had been....calmer.
On the drive there, I had to mentally tell myself that if it was ectopic, or failed, that I would be okay. That whatever happened was out of my control, and life would go on. I got there, and they did another (yay!) vaginal ultrasound. And the fallopian tubes looked good. The scanned my ovaries, and found (surprise!) a giant burst cyst. The cause of the pain. So, no harm, no foul. They looked at the uterus, and were able to find the little bean, attached to the side wall, it's heartbeat flickering off and on like an tired Christmas light. So, all is good there. The blob is where it is supposed to be, and is alive and well.

Then the tech started scanning (read: digging around with the wand) around, trying to get other views. She started getting very excited, and called the doctor in. They talked crazy doctor talk that I only vaguely understood. I asked what was going on. Well, it appeared there were a few....other things in the uterus. What kinds of things? Well, they could be a blighted ovum, another embryo that started to grow and then stopped, or sloughed off tissue. Or, it could be two other babies.
Gulp.
Up until this point, I had accepted that having twins was a real possibility, and we were okay with that. I really hadn't thought about triplets, probably because my RE told me it wasn't likely. I now interpret that statement to mean "a little likely". But, he assured me, that whatever is floating around in there is fine, and isn't going to hurt anything. He scheduled me for another ultrasound in a week so we could get a definite head count.

So, that ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm trying to not think about it. And for right now, I'm just referring to them as Blob 1 and space junk. So, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

*Blob one. Space junk not shown.

And the winner is....

So, it's taken me several weeks to post this, because I'm still getting used to the idea. But here it goes....


Guess what?

(what?)

I'm pregnant! (feels weird to say)

It was Friday, September 30th. I had taken the day off of work, to try to get yard stuff done before it starts freezing 'round these parts. It had been 16 days since my Ovidrel shot (the one that makes your eggs pop out), and 14 days since I was pretty sure I ovulated (because that day my insides felt like they were exploding). After B left for the day I did the obligatory pee-on-a-stick. I put it down on the edge of the tub, and didn't look at it for a while. After a few minutes I gave it a cursory glance, and was deploying my arm muscles to chuck it in the trash. I did a double-take - what the hell was that?


Two lines. My brain slowed WAAAAY down. I looked again. It wasn't a squinter. It was a dark pink line.


I called my RE's office, and asked what I should do.

Nurse: "You should stop taking the progesterone for three days, and if you don't get your period, you should come in for a test"

Me: "I really don't want to do that, as I have low progesterone to begin with. What if I am pregnant and miscarry?"

Nurse: "Have you ever had a miscarriage before?"


Me: "No, and I don't want to start"


Nurse: "Your positive home pregnancy test could just be leftover HCG in your system from the Ovidrel shot"

Me: "Yes, but that is supposed to leave your system ins 10-14 days, and it's been 16"


Nurse: "We like patients to wait 17 days"

Me: "I'm not comfortable going off the progesterone. It's not going to hurt me to stay on it. Can I just come in for a blood test?"

Nurse: "Your chart says you should go off the progesterone"

Me: "Like I said, I'm not COMFORTABLE doing that. Can you please talk to the doctor and see what he thinks?

Nurse: "He'll probably just say to do what your chart says"

Me: "Can you talk to him anyway?"

[continue this conversation for the next 10 minutes, the nurse gets more and more nasty, I get more and more insistent]

Finally, the nurse agrees to talk to the doctor, and says she will call me back.

[5 minutes later.....phone rings]

Nurse: [like the previous conversation never happened] "Dr. X says you should come in for a blood test, and that you should stay on the progesterone"

Sigh.

So, here we are. Preggers. [Blood test was also positive]. We're still getting used to the idea. Sometimes I hear women talk about how they loved their baby from the moment it was just a ball of cells. And we know we WILL love the baby, we're just withholding our outpouring of love for a bit. Because we already know what heartbreak feels like. So we're being cautiously optimistic.