Baby #2 Has left the Building

I hit 11 weeks yesterday.

Wednesday night was really scary for us - about 10pm I started losing A LOT of blood and tissue. I didn't really want to go to the ER, so I just went into my doctor's office at 7:30 the next morning. I didn't have an appointment, but I was such an emotional mess that they saw me right away. The baby is doing great - what had happened was the rest of baby #2 had come out. My doctor thought that the remains to the second baby would eventually get reabsorbed, but it didn't. So, I was extremely relieved, especially since thought I had miscarried baby #1 and was no longer pregnant. I got to see the baby on the ultrasound - it's much bigger than it was 3 weeks ago, and actually looks like a baby, not just a blob any more. It was very wiggly - kicking it's feet and waving it's little arms. I also think it was one of the first times in my life I've cried in relief. But, I was pretty much primed to cry at the drop of a hat - I was pretty much a mess for a good chunk of Thursday, because I didn't really sleep at all on Wednesday night.

I have a regular OB appointment on Monday. My doctor told me to try to stay out of trouble until then. I feel like I've been though a small war - I'm ready for a normal boring pregnancy to start.

3...2...1

Well, it's been a bit since the last posting, mostly because I haven't really felt up to it. I feel like a small war had been waging. So, let's see if we can get caught up.

I had an appointment to check on my space junk. It turned out there had been three little beans in there, but one had stopped growing very early on. But there were two babies in there, with two little heartbeats. I was overjoyed. B was a little shocked at first, but was pretty quickly on board. My doctor was a little concerned about baby #2 - it was a bit smaller, and the heartbeat was a little slower than they would like it. We had about two weeks of getting used to the idea of twins, and getting exciting about the ensuing chaos that two little babies would create. Over the weekend (this was about 3 weeks ago) I started feeling sick. Chills, backache, diarrhea, feeling cruddy. I didn't think much of it, because the same thing was going around at work. I was sick all weekend, and seemed better by Monday. Monday afternoon I started having bad cramps, and started spotting. I hadn't spotted AT ALL up to this point, and it freaked me out. I called my doctor's office - they told me to keep an eye on it. Later in the afternoon, I went to the bathroom, and a huge gush of blood came out. I called my doctor again - they told me to go to the ER if it got really bad, otherwise to come in first thing in the morning. I didn't see the point of going to the ER - they couldn't stop a miscarriage, and I would just spend the whole night there and pay them a crazy high co-pay.

The next morning, I was in my doctor's office for an ultrasound. Baby #1 was doing great, but baby #2 had died, probably over the weekend. The sac had seperated from the uterus, hence the blood. Baby #2 was still in there. My doctor said it would probably get reabsorbed over time. And then my super-awesome (but incredibly socially awkward) doctor gave me a hug, and held my hand while I cried.

Mainly I spent that week feeling a weird mix of being so sad that we lost #2, and grateful that we still had #1. It was scary because we thought that we might have lost both of them too. I also really didn't want to hear comments from people who were trying to be helpful (I'd had a few of them already), like about how it was for the best, or how much work two would have been, or how expensive it would have been. We didn't care. We saw both of them, saw their heartbeats, and wanted both of them. It wouldn't have mattered how much work, or expense, or time it would have generated. It would have been worth it, and so it made me just not want to talk to anyone about it, because I couldn't stand to have my heartache discounted. So, B and I are working on moving on, and treating Baby #1 as a gift, but I guess we are still really cautious.

Blob 1 and Space Junk

Last Wednesday, I started having pains in my right side. I wasn't too worried about it, as it was the same kind of pain I get from cysts. I called the nurse up to see what she thought. She wanted me to come in right away to make sure it wasn't ectopic. The concern with an ectopic pregnancy is that if the egg tries to implant in the fallopian tubes, once it grows too big it can blow out the tube, and you lose the tube in that side. Which, isn't a good thing. You could also bleed out and die. So it was fine for the nurse to want to act quickly. I just wish she had been....calmer.
On the drive there, I had to mentally tell myself that if it was ectopic, or failed, that I would be okay. That whatever happened was out of my control, and life would go on. I got there, and they did another (yay!) vaginal ultrasound. And the fallopian tubes looked good. The scanned my ovaries, and found (surprise!) a giant burst cyst. The cause of the pain. So, no harm, no foul. They looked at the uterus, and were able to find the little bean, attached to the side wall, it's heartbeat flickering off and on like an tired Christmas light. So, all is good there. The blob is where it is supposed to be, and is alive and well.

Then the tech started scanning (read: digging around with the wand) around, trying to get other views. She started getting very excited, and called the doctor in. They talked crazy doctor talk that I only vaguely understood. I asked what was going on. Well, it appeared there were a few....other things in the uterus. What kinds of things? Well, they could be a blighted ovum, another embryo that started to grow and then stopped, or sloughed off tissue. Or, it could be two other babies.
Gulp.
Up until this point, I had accepted that having twins was a real possibility, and we were okay with that. I really hadn't thought about triplets, probably because my RE told me it wasn't likely. I now interpret that statement to mean "a little likely". But, he assured me, that whatever is floating around in there is fine, and isn't going to hurt anything. He scheduled me for another ultrasound in a week so we could get a definite head count.

So, that ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm trying to not think about it. And for right now, I'm just referring to them as Blob 1 and space junk. So, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

*Blob one. Space junk not shown.

And the winner is....

So, it's taken me several weeks to post this, because I'm still getting used to the idea. But here it goes....


Guess what?

(what?)

I'm pregnant! (feels weird to say)

It was Friday, September 30th. I had taken the day off of work, to try to get yard stuff done before it starts freezing 'round these parts. It had been 16 days since my Ovidrel shot (the one that makes your eggs pop out), and 14 days since I was pretty sure I ovulated (because that day my insides felt like they were exploding). After B left for the day I did the obligatory pee-on-a-stick. I put it down on the edge of the tub, and didn't look at it for a while. After a few minutes I gave it a cursory glance, and was deploying my arm muscles to chuck it in the trash. I did a double-take - what the hell was that?


Two lines. My brain slowed WAAAAY down. I looked again. It wasn't a squinter. It was a dark pink line.


I called my RE's office, and asked what I should do.

Nurse: "You should stop taking the progesterone for three days, and if you don't get your period, you should come in for a test"

Me: "I really don't want to do that, as I have low progesterone to begin with. What if I am pregnant and miscarry?"

Nurse: "Have you ever had a miscarriage before?"


Me: "No, and I don't want to start"


Nurse: "Your positive home pregnancy test could just be leftover HCG in your system from the Ovidrel shot"

Me: "Yes, but that is supposed to leave your system ins 10-14 days, and it's been 16"


Nurse: "We like patients to wait 17 days"

Me: "I'm not comfortable going off the progesterone. It's not going to hurt me to stay on it. Can I just come in for a blood test?"

Nurse: "Your chart says you should go off the progesterone"

Me: "Like I said, I'm not COMFORTABLE doing that. Can you please talk to the doctor and see what he thinks?

Nurse: "He'll probably just say to do what your chart says"

Me: "Can you talk to him anyway?"

[continue this conversation for the next 10 minutes, the nurse gets more and more nasty, I get more and more insistent]

Finally, the nurse agrees to talk to the doctor, and says she will call me back.

[5 minutes later.....phone rings]

Nurse: [like the previous conversation never happened] "Dr. X says you should come in for a blood test, and that you should stay on the progesterone"

Sigh.

So, here we are. Preggers. [Blood test was also positive]. We're still getting used to the idea. Sometimes I hear women talk about how they loved their baby from the moment it was just a ball of cells. And we know we WILL love the baby, we're just withholding our outpouring of love for a bit. Because we already know what heartbreak feels like. So we're being cautiously optimistic.

Pass the Love, Hold the Helpful Suggestions

Dear Friends, Family, and people I only marginally know,

Thanks for your interest in my fertility! I know you are all trying to be supportive, and helpful to me in this stressful time of my life. Can I ask a favor though? I don't want any suggestions from you. I don't want stories about people you know, I don't want you to ask if I've tried the newest fertility treatment of eating raw earthworms.

"Did you hear cousin Suzy got pregnant from doing IUI? And cousin Betsy did in-vitro and now has two little boys! Why don't you try that?"

"Have you tried Metformin? I hear it's a miracle drug! My neighbors daughters friends dog-walker said nothing worked until she went on it"

"Have you seen a naturopath? What about acupuncture? Guided meditation?"

"Wait, what's wrong with you again? Why can't you have a baby?"

"What do you mean you aren't going to do IVF - don't you want to exhaust all your options?"

"You're trying too hard. Just relax! Pretend like you DON'T want to get pregnant - that works for a lot of people!"

"Don't worry, you can still adopt! There are lots of kids that need homes!"

Family and friends, you should know that there is not a treatment out there I haven't researched, no book I haven't read, no blog I haven't followed, no infertile women I haven't hounded for information. I know all the treatments, alternative therapies, drugs, and procedures. You don't need to tell me about any of them.

I really don't care what other people did to achieve a baby. I'm not them.

I know more about the male and female reproductive systems than I ever thought possible. I just don't always feel like explaining the inner workings of my lady parts to you. If you're really curious, get a book. I have a stack by my bed. No, you can't borrow them. I need them.

I have a plan of treatment. My doctor has earned my trust, and he and I are going down the road we have chosen - the road that is right for me. I'm not going to exhaust all the medical options. I'm not a lab rat, and I don't have an endless supply of money. We are pursuing a course of treatment that my husband and I feel comfortable with. Please trust us about that.

I really don't feel like explaining WHY I'm not doing acupuncture, taking Chinese herbs, or snorting Vitex Root up my nose. Please don't ask my to justify why I'm doing what I'm doing, and why I'm not going down other paths.

No, I'm not trying to hard. I'm trying the amount that I'm comfortable with. Relaxing doesn't actually affect my fertility. My endocrine disorder affects my fertility.

Adoption is on the horizon. But we're not there yet. We can't simutaneously put all of our effort into fertility treatments AND researching adoption. We'll do one until we reach the end of the line, then we'll explore the other. We actually don't even want to think about adoption right now. So please, leave the adoption issue alone.

So, what's a well-meaning friend of my aunts florist to do? Send me your well-wishes and prayers. Hope that I find peace with whatever unfolds. Send good thoughts that my marriage stays strong throughout this process. Ask me how I'm doing, tell me you'll support me no matter what I choose. And when the thought of, "Have you tried...." pops into your head, stifle it by giving me a hug.

The Two-Week Wait

Subfertility is an endless cycle of hope and heartbreak. Right now, I'm on the upswing of hope. This month my bloody cysts shrank down and stopped producing estrogen, and I got the green light to start the fertility drugs (technical term: gonadotropin therapy). This included jabbing a needle into my belly every day, and then going in to get an ultrasound every other day or so, to see how my eggs were growing, and to take a blood sample to measure my estriodiol levels (E2, as the cool kids call it). I've heard some women respond to the first round of the treatment in as little as 5 days, but no, I took 13 days. By the end, I was so bloated and uncomfortable I couldn't even bend over ,and even sitting was difficult. I began to see the benefit of having an IUI - sex just didn't sound appealing. Towards the end, the ultrasound technician would really have to jam the wand against my ovaries, causing all kinds of discomfort. If I haven't told you before, this isn't the nice kind of ultrasound where they rub jelly on your belly and move the sensor around. This is a trans-vaginal ultrasound, where they stick a giant sex-toy looking thing up your hoo-ha and look at your insides.

But, after 13 days, they declared me gravid, and told me to take the trigger shot. The trigger shot is basically HCG (the pregnancy hormone) - it's supposed to kick the little eggs of of the ovaries. I took the shot on Wednesday night, and we got busy Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night (yeah, we were pretty tired of it by Friday night). Then, Saturday morning I started on progesterone suppositories, to keep any embryos that might be forming from falling out. And now....I wait. I wait and wait and wait. I'm supposed to test this Friday or Saturday. Actually, what the nurse said was, "stop taking the progesterone on Saturday, and if you don't get your period, come in for a blood test". Because I'm paranoid about my chronically low progesterone levels, I'd rather not do that, so I'll take a home test on Friday. And probably Saturday and Sunday. The only thing that is keeping me from testing every day is that the trigger shot has the same hormone as the one the pregnancy test looks for, and that shot can take up to 2 weeks to leave the body. So, testing early might give me a false positive, which I'm just not up for.

The annoying thing about the progesterone suppositories is that they mimic pregnancy symptoms - cramps, bloating, exhaustion, sore breasts, and nausea. So, we'll see. Three days until I can test. I hope my fingers don't develop gangrene from being crossed for this long.

PreConception You vs Subfertility You

What a difference a year (actually, 13 months) makes!

13 months of trying to make a baby. You've changed so much in this year, and I'm not sure if it's for the better. Let's take a look back at the happy carefree Preconception You, and the slightly jaded and still not pregnant Subfertility You.

Preconception You LOVES to talk about getting pregnant. Good people to pump for information are hair stylists, as they are cutting your hair. You shyly tell them that you are planning on starting a family soon too. They tell you all about their 5 kids, and wish you luck on your impending conception.
Subfertility You doesn't go to that stylist anymore.

Preconception You blows her nose, and throws away the tissue
Subfertility You examines the contents, and wishes your cervical mucus looked so good. Subfertility you is also obsessed with pretty much anything that shows up on toilet paper; always on the lookout for good cervical fluid or the elusive implantation spotting.

You go for a run on the trails by your office. The secretary warns you not to go, as there is likely a rapist behind every tree.
Preconception You blows off her warnings, because she is an alarmist and a conspiracy nut.
Subfertility You thinks, "A rapist? Do you think his sperm is any good?"

Preconception You loves to coo over other people's babies. You love to hold them, cuddle them, and ask their mothers all sorts of questions about conception, labor, delivery, appropriate times to introduce the bottle, maternity leave, and their opinions on pacificers.
Subfertility You doesn't want to talk to anyone about their baby. Because, it will lead the the question of, "are you going to have one?", and you like to avoid that conversation now. You don't even like to hold people's babies now. Probably, because you know you are likely to steal the baby, and you need to practice a measure of restraint.

Preconception You has a bunch of baby-planning books that other people have given you, as well as baby toys and clothes. They say, "just tuck this away for someday".
Subfertility You has only read the first chapter of each of these books (the one about pre-conception and conception). It's too depressing (or it feels like you might jinx yourself) if you read any further. The Baby Naming Book is under the wobbly leg of the table. All the baby toys and clothes are now molding in the basement, far out of sight. Sometimes you even give them to other people, as they have their babies, or second or third babies.

Preconception You thinks it would be fun to have an "oops" baby, preferably in the summer, when your work load at your job is the lowest. Subfertility You will take any kind of baby she can get, at any time.

Preconception You assumes your husband masterbates from time to time, but doesn't want to know about it. Preconception You also has no interest in sperm, other than the fact it is messy. Subfertility You is obsessed with sperm numbers: motility, morphology, volume, live sperm per volume, fragmentation, healthy tails. You also demand that your loved one jerk off into a cup while you wait with the car running, so you can transport it (in your armpit) to the clinic within an hour of emergence to be analyzed.

Preconception You likes to say, "oh, I'm so against using drugs for anything. I'm an all-natural kind of girl." Subfertility You will swallow, inject, or shove up your hooha any drug your Reproductive Endocrinology tells you too. You'd even inject it into your eyeball, if the RE told you it might help.

Preconception You drinks because there is no baby.
Subfertility You drinks because there is no baby.
(hey! I guess not everything changes!)