Well, it's been a bit since the last posting, mostly because I haven't really felt up to it. I feel like a small war had been waging. So, let's see if we can get caught up.
I had an appointment to check on my space junk. It turned out there had been three little beans in there, but one had stopped growing very early on. But there were two babies in there, with two little heartbeats. I was overjoyed. B was a little shocked at first, but was pretty quickly on board. My doctor was a little concerned about baby #2 - it was a bit smaller, and the heartbeat was a little slower than they would like it. We had about two weeks of getting used to the idea of twins, and getting exciting about the ensuing chaos that two little babies would create. Over the weekend (this was about 3 weeks ago) I started feeling sick. Chills, backache, diarrhea, feeling cruddy. I didn't think much of it, because the same thing was going around at work. I was sick all weekend, and seemed better by Monday. Monday afternoon I started having bad cramps, and started spotting. I hadn't spotted AT ALL up to this point, and it freaked me out. I called my doctor's office - they told me to keep an eye on it. Later in the afternoon, I went to the bathroom, and a huge gush of blood came out. I called my doctor again - they told me to go to the ER if it got really bad, otherwise to come in first thing in the morning. I didn't see the point of going to the ER - they couldn't stop a miscarriage, and I would just spend the whole night there and pay them a crazy high co-pay.
The next morning, I was in my doctor's office for an ultrasound. Baby #1 was doing great, but baby #2 had died, probably over the weekend. The sac had seperated from the uterus, hence the blood. Baby #2 was still in there. My doctor said it would probably get reabsorbed over time. And then my super-awesome (but incredibly socially awkward) doctor gave me a hug, and held my hand while I cried.
Mainly I spent that week feeling a weird mix of being so sad that we lost #2, and grateful that we still had #1. It was scary because we thought that we might have lost both of them too. I also really didn't want to hear comments from people who were trying to be helpful (I'd had a few of them already), like about how it was for the best, or how much work two would have been, or how expensive it would have been. We didn't care. We saw both of them, saw their heartbeats, and wanted both of them. It wouldn't have mattered how much work, or expense, or time it would have generated. It would have been worth it, and so it made me just not want to talk to anyone about it, because I couldn't stand to have my heartache discounted. So, B and I are working on moving on, and treating Baby #1 as a gift, but I guess we are still really cautious.
